i just started writing my last grad school application essay in earnest (thank you goes to ryan, for the sit-down brainstorming coffee giggle session this morning that inspired today’s cogency after many, many, many weeks of essay aimlessness). i finally know where this one-page essay is going, and i know what words to use to get it there. when i finish it later tonight, it’s going to be good. then, even later tonight, after bhakti flow and after transporting a mattress from hilly north berkeley into my second story apartment by myself with my uninsured, unregistered small car and the rope we used to tie down our christmas tree, i’m going to send it away with my other two essays and $50.
i’m scared. i’m scared they’ll like what i wrote, i’m scared they’ll accept me. i’m scared too of what’s happening at work - a private office, a raise, real responsibility, accountability, expectations, etc. i’m supposed to be two years away from this promotion, and my gaps of knowledge are going to show up, fast and deep. i’m not scared of that, but i’m scared of feeling stuck in the real world with no easy way out. it’s awesome to have insurance, but that also means i have medical bills. it’s great to have a roth ira but that comes with recognition of the fact that at some point i will have grown too old to work. growing up and finding my way seems to have morphed into a constant reevaluation of my personal goals and priorities. instead of just shifting, it’s more like they slowly grind against each other, like rusty metal plates, and i’m scared that if i let one finally rest at the top, it will come at the cost of all others.
a year and a half ago i moved out here with two suitcases, no fucking idea where i was going, and a compass an old friend gave me as a reminder that no matter where i am in the world, there’s someone that loves me in every single direction the arrow pointed. the world is round after all, and i would find that person no matter how far i walked if i had the persistence to just keep going. a year and a half ago i was fearless. i don’t know what happened since then.
