subject to change

eeps.

well, i’m pretty exhausted and scared and stressed out but finally, i’m taking steps to make good shit happen in my life. step one was interviewing at my dream rad school yesterday. step two was applying for a job in bali this summer. step three will be to try to stop stress-eating cupid corn and baked cheese puffs, to replace those instead with MOAR COFFEE to give me the energy i need to do all the things. and there seem to be a lot of things, suddenly, that require a certain level of attentiveness, and certainly a measure of dedication. 

but grad school, man. those interviews are dual-sided and as much as the program was trying to gauge how good a fit i would be, i’m left thinking that i also need to spend some time assessing how much i want to spend $120,000 and the next 5-7 years up to my throat in statistical analysis, research methods, and theoretical assumptions centered around people’s thoughts. i just… want to talk to people about what they’re thinking, figure out why, and help them find a way that they can think about things to make them a little bit more satisfied with the lives they have. does that really have to take me from my twenties well into my thirties and build me an entire mountain of debt to dig out of?

does this mean that maybe i’m scared to finally focus my energy on something specific? i dunno. i don’t feel like i know much of anything these days and i’m sort of okay with that. it’s hard trying to leverage what i want to do with the ensuing disappointment of people around me who want me to go one way or another. i just hope to know enough by the Time of Big Decisions to be able to walk with confidence down whatever path i take. 

i woke up at 8:42 and laid in bed past noon today. i’ve never done that before, but that fits because i’ve never done many of the things i’ve been doing lately. going to a tailor, buying car insurance, becoming one of the regulars at my yoga studio, quitting my soccer team. i’ve also never been at the mercy of other people who will be making decisions that directly impact me, completely independent of what i want. in the next three months, depending on others’ decisions, i’ll either be jobless or i will become the youngest person in my position in my company’s history. i’ll know whether i was accepted into grad school. i will have a better idea of where my heart belongs. finally, i’m off the hook a little bit at being overwhelmed with all of the ‘well, would i be happier if i chose to do this instead’ questions, and in their place i’m being taught how to stand by, focus inward, and stay patient as i watch my life unfurl ahead of me.